Now personally, Samantha Jones has always been my favorite. But Ive sunk into a depression only Miss Bradshaw can relate to. Its been exactly 9 days since we broke up, and I’m not exactly sure how to feel. You see, we’ve been dating on and off for 14 months and even though its brought me some of the worst feelings ive ever felt if you asked me “When were you happiest in life?”, i’d say it was Summer of 2010 when he was the moon and I was the billions of stars that lit up whenever he came around.
I’d never felt this way before, EVER. I’d known love once before he came into my life, and it was true but it wasnt like this. I don’t really believe in soulmates, but something deep inside tol me he was going to be the one. But just like Carrie i felt like i was giving everything I had, going against my better judgement and the people closest to me for a feeling that wasnt mutual. Unlike Carrie though, I didnt have the courage to leave or even say anything. The thought of losing something that made me so happy (at a time when I’d been through so much I thought it was impossible),and the fact that “something” was a “someone” made it unbearable.
The second breakup hurt the most, it felt like my world cam crashing down… but it put me in proper perspective. I wasn’t perfect, but I was a pretty good catch, and what happen to that “I don’t need a man to make me happy” motto I once lived by??? My world revolved around him, no wonder it felt that way when it ended. But i promised myself that no matter what happened or who I ended up with, I’d never let another guy or him make me feel that way again.
It was a suprise when we got back together for the 3rd time. He’d been
something like a stranger for the past 4 months. And in that time, it looked like he managed to catch feelings for a few other girls. But it seemed like he changed, and he knew what he wanted. And for a moment it was starting to feel like that summer again, but slowly that started to change. I found myself feeling EXACTLY how I told myself I’d never let him make me feel again. Unappreciated, unwanted and unimportant. I accepted every excuse given for making me feel that way. School…Stress. I even started to blame myself a bit, I mean Im not exactly perfect.
Like always though, I wanted to work it out. Like I said, he was going to be the one. No one’s perfect, and it would all be worth it it the end…right? Thats what i thought, until he said he wanted to take a break to figure out if I was the girl he wanted to be with. And in all of about 5 seconds after reading those words, i realized I was doing it again. In 5 seconds I realized that I was settling. In 5 seconds i realized that I deserve better, atleast someone who knew they wanted to be with me. And I had to walk away.
Oddly enough, I know that I did the right thing but for some reason I feel like I failed. I don’t give up easily. I waited around about 14 months for the last guy, (that love I had known only once before) and had I not moved on, Id still be waiting… I know I deserve better and its time to let go. But everytime Im close, I get this image in my head…
That image of Big & Carrie in Paris, France. It’d taken him 6 years and countless failed relationships to finally see the that Carrie was the one. And through all the pain and lies, love made it all worth it in the end…. And then I think again, what if Tv and movies are exactly what they are…TV & Movies. Maybe real life is comepletley different. Maybe when a guy is treating you like he dosen’t give a shit, then he genuinely doesn’t GIVE A SHIT and its time to move on…Im not exactly sure, but I can’t wait around to figure it out. My real Mr. Big might pass me by…
