I know I’ve always prided myself on being different. Ive never felt embarrassed about being the odd ball of my family. Sure, Im all smiles when I use phrases like “ Im a flaming in a flock of pigeons” but behind the smile lies a heap of questions… Im confused. I mean maybe its just me. I don’t understand nor do I comprehend how you can come from what we come from , and don’t do everything in your power to overcome the struggles for good. Its not enough to say that my brothers and I are cut from a different cloth. Those movies that leave you wondering how you’d feel if your life was like those characters… We don’t have to wonder, because we’ve lived it. In and out of foster homes and group homes,sleeping on trains and in strange rooms, living on benches and in homeless shelters, being poor sometimes going days without eating. All the anxiety from ACS threats and weekly court dates, and that’s not even half of it. For 10 years that was what we called life, for 10 years that was the norm, and we just had to deal. We were too young to do anything about it. I know I’m the oldest, and with that comes an inevitable responsibility, but I raised my brothers I taught them everything I knew…what happened? They got a little freedom,got comfortable and lost sight of what was important. Now I understand that not everyone dreams as big as I do, poverty didn’t make me a dreamer, Ive always been different. I understand that urban life is where some dreams lie. But there’s a difference between choosing to live an urban lifestyle and being stuck here because you’ve eliminated all other options.
Im scared because it seems like some of them are headed for a life like the past. But Im done raising them, Im 19 Im no ones mother (yet). I can’t keeps holding hands and whipping noses, i thought the past 10 years would have been painful enough, but maybe not. Im in my second year of college. I made it through JHS and HS despite the hardships. We endured the same pain and was afforded the same opportunities, I can’t pass mine up to wait for everyone else to get on board. I’m not a bitch, maybe Im a little selfish but I have to be. The only person who can make my dreams a reality is me. If there is a GOD then its true what they say about him working in mysterious ways. I may not have had the best childhood, but it gave me the motivation to make it where I am today. It gave me the opportunity to give my future children the best.
